They bought a round for the sailor
And they heard his tale
Of a world that was so far away
And a song that we'd never heard
A song of a little bird
That fell in love, with a whale
He said "You cannot live in the ocean"
And she said to him "You never can live in the sky"
But the ocean is filled with tears
And the sea turns into a mirror
There's a whale in the moon when it's clear
And a bird, on the tide
Please don't cry
Let me dry your eyes
So tell me that you will wait for me
Hold me in your arms
I promise we never will part
I'll never sail back to the time
But I'll always pretend you're mine
Though I know that we both must part
You can live, in my heart
-"Fish and Bird" by Tom Waits
That, to me, is one of the saddest songs Tom's ever written - and that's saying a lot. I chose this song because while I have always loved it, I feel like I am now living it. I am very sad.
Five months and six days ago my husband of 14 years tearfully acknowledged to me that he had some sexual attraction for men. My reaction was to hold him close and let him cry on my shoulder because he was so overcome with sadness, disgust and shame. I don't remember asking him anything, just him telling me that he had never acknowledged this to another person, and that he had never acted on these feelings with another man. I know many people will smile slyly at this and say "yeah, right", but it's true. He apologized over and over for not telling me the truth from the start. He told me he loved me. And I think that is what is making all of this even harder than I could have ever imagined. I don't know what the hell to do, and I don't think he does either.
He called himself a monster. He said he hated himself. It took several more months, but he finally is now able to say that he thinks he is gay and always has been. And he still hates it. A lot. And he still apologizes -but I tell him not to apologize for something he had no control over.
From that first day forward, it's been pretty much all I've been able to concentrate on. I wake up in the morning and it is the first thing I think about, and the last thing I think about at night. I now have a large personal library of "I married a gay guy" books as well as books on opening your marriage to other people and polyamory. I hate them all. I have read about 1000 blogs written by married gay men, divorced gay men, and bisexual married men. I joined numerous online support groups that range from women who have stayed married to their gay husbands and adore them, to women who have had horrible experiences with betrayal and would have their ex-spouse killed off if it were legal to do so.
We have a boy and a girl, ages 10 and 7. They are very good kids. My parents divorced when I was 14 and I believe it changed the trajectory of my life for the worse. I never believed it possible that I might inflict that pain on my children. I still don't.
When I married my husband I thought my heart was finally safe. I was wrong.
My heart is not safe, not anymore. It is broken and I don't know how to mend it.
After extensive research and numerous hours on the internet, here are the stages that a straight wife goes through after finding out her husband is gay as I see them (and only as far as I've gotten). Please note that at no point during these stages is the straight wife rational:
1. I'm here for you, let me take care of you, we can get through this
2. Honeymoon sex (this is so typical you wouldn't believe it)
3. Based on the successful results of #3, I can meet his needs for gay sex with creative workarounds - this is do-able!
4. He's not gay, he's bisexual. He has to be. How else do you explain the years of sex?
5. No really, he's bisexual goddammit! I was there! I know what I felt!
6. He's gay.
7. He's so fucking gay.
8. He had sex with me because I was there. I was never attractive, I was never desired.
9. As happy as I was, was as unhappy as he was.
10. He's waiting for the right moment to leave us.
So that's where I'm at. Waiting and anticipating that at just the right moment, maybe when I haven't been in the fetal position for at least a week, he will tell me that he is going to leave. He has never indicated that he is going to do this, and so far has made no move to act on his gay-ness. In fact he is still researching ways to "cure" his gay-ness. Sort of. But still I wait.
I believe this will happen because last week when I was having a major freak out while he was at work, I sent him a long email where I suggested he do a number of things I really didn't want him to do at all, namely: take off his wedding ring, consider separating. I don't know why I did this, except I guess I was hoping he'd say no or provide me reassurance that none of these things were what he wanted.
Almost immediately I regretted the email and asked him not to read it, but it was too late. Apparently he liked my ideas-born-from-hysterical-crying-and being-alone-with-my-thoughts and taught me a valuable lesson. Instead of the reassurance I was craving, he took off his wedding ring and agreed he'd like to stay out at his dad's farm a few days a week - to help out and to, uh...get away from me. Is it any wonder my self-esteem is non-existent now? The man I have loved with all my heart for 15 years, the man I thought I would live with 'til I died, thinks it is a good idea to spend a few night a week away from me. Can you imagine how much that hurts to hear? How every time I see his bare finger on his left hand I am reminded that 15 years ago he chose me - and now he has un-chosen me. Like that.
So I'm not going to make any more suggestions if I can help it. Because I am not going to be the one who runs. This is not my fault and he is going to have to be the one to say it's over. If it is.
Welcome.
